Being Open to Small Signals: Rethinking What It Means to “Love Your Enemy”
*last updated on November 24, 2025
1. The Misconception
When people hear phrases like “love your enemy,” the mind often jumps to an extreme case:
the worst person imaginable, doing the worst things. From that starting point, the reaction is predictable: “I can’t possibly love someone like that.”
And from there, the entire idea gets dismissed. The concept is treated as unrealistic, naïve, or even morally wrong.
But this reaction rests on a misunderstanding. It assumes that the idea demands something dramatic: choosing the person you despise most and forcing yourself to feel warmth, compassion, or forgiveness. That is not what is at stake.
2. The Everyday Reality
In ordinary life, the people we “hate” are usually much closer to us:
These are not enemies in a dramatic sense. But they are people with whom we feel friction, irritation, or deep dislike.
The crucial point: life constantly offers small hints that these people are more complicated than we assumed.
A comment they make.
A detail about their family.
A story about their past.
A moment when they act differently from how we imagined.
These are tiny, easily overlooked signals that they are, in fact, human—driven by histories, fears, insecurities, and hopes that we know nothing about.
3. Why Openness Matters
If we hold the rigid belief that disliked people deserve only negative emotions from us, we will not notice those signals. Not because they are rare—but because our mindset filters them out.
This is not deliberate cruelty; it is a closed cognitive stance. When people feel that any movement toward empathy is a betrayal of their moral judgment, they shut down the possibility of nuance.
The result is simple: we stay stuck with flat, simplified versions of other people.
4. Openness Is Not Approval
Being open to these small signals does not mean liking the person.
It does not mean excusing harmful behavior.
It does not mean abandoning opposition to actions we believe are wrong.
The shift is internal:
This shift does not weaken accountability. If anything, it strengthens it. Understanding why someone acts as they do often leads to more effective ways of responding, not passive acceptance.
5. The Practical Invitation
The real challenge is surprisingly modest: Stay open enough to notice information when it naturally appears. Do not close the door before it even arrives.
This is not a heroic act of compassion. It is an attitude shift—an agreement with yourself to allow complexity in.
Sometimes, nothing meaningful will present itself. But sometimes something small will: a detail, a motive, a struggle, a fear. And when it does, the refusal to reject it outright can soften the rigidity of our judgments without erasing our values.
[If you liked this essay, see The Myth of "Bad People"]
About this project: Start page
When people hear phrases like “love your enemy,” the mind often jumps to an extreme case:
the worst person imaginable, doing the worst things. From that starting point, the reaction is predictable: “I can’t possibly love someone like that.”
And from there, the entire idea gets dismissed. The concept is treated as unrealistic, naïve, or even morally wrong.
But this reaction rests on a misunderstanding. It assumes that the idea demands something dramatic: choosing the person you despise most and forcing yourself to feel warmth, compassion, or forgiveness. That is not what is at stake.
2. The Everyday Reality
In ordinary life, the people we “hate” are usually much closer to us:
- a coworker we think acts selfishly
- a neighbor who rubs us the wrong way
- a public figure we strongly disapprove of
- someone from our past who still evokes resentment
These are not enemies in a dramatic sense. But they are people with whom we feel friction, irritation, or deep dislike.
The crucial point: life constantly offers small hints that these people are more complicated than we assumed.
A comment they make.
A detail about their family.
A story about their past.
A moment when they act differently from how we imagined.
These are tiny, easily overlooked signals that they are, in fact, human—driven by histories, fears, insecurities, and hopes that we know nothing about.
3. Why Openness Matters
If we hold the rigid belief that disliked people deserve only negative emotions from us, we will not notice those signals. Not because they are rare—but because our mindset filters them out.
- We hear something that might explain their behavior, and we dismiss it.
- We see a moment of vulnerability, and we ignore it.
- We encounter evidence that complicates the picture, and we reject it as irrelevant.
This is not deliberate cruelty; it is a closed cognitive stance. When people feel that any movement toward empathy is a betrayal of their moral judgment, they shut down the possibility of nuance.
The result is simple: we stay stuck with flat, simplified versions of other people.
4. Openness Is Not Approval
Being open to these small signals does not mean liking the person.
It does not mean excusing harmful behavior.
It does not mean abandoning opposition to actions we believe are wrong.
The shift is internal:
- From “there is nothing to understand” → to → “there might be something to understand.”
- From “they are just bad” → to → “they are also human.”
This shift does not weaken accountability. If anything, it strengthens it. Understanding why someone acts as they do often leads to more effective ways of responding, not passive acceptance.
5. The Practical Invitation
The real challenge is surprisingly modest: Stay open enough to notice information when it naturally appears. Do not close the door before it even arrives.
This is not a heroic act of compassion. It is an attitude shift—an agreement with yourself to allow complexity in.
Sometimes, nothing meaningful will present itself. But sometimes something small will: a detail, a motive, a struggle, a fear. And when it does, the refusal to reject it outright can soften the rigidity of our judgments without erasing our values.
[If you liked this essay, see The Myth of "Bad People"]
About this project: Start page
