Elizaveta Friesem
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Cycle of Violence

PAGE IN PROGRESS
What you see here is a page of my hypertext book Me, Looking for Meaning. Initially empty, it will slowly be filled with thoughts, notes, and quotes. One day, I will use them to write a coherent entry, similar to these completed pages. See this post to better understand my creative process. Thank you for your interest and patience! :)

Picture
Image credit: Lukas Rodriguez from Pexels
​​
I went to a local playground with my youngest son Sky, as we had some time before his daycare was starting. It was a beautiful September morning: not too cold, sunny and fresh. The trees started the change colors, but they still had their leaves on. As we were getting to the playground, a family was getting out of the car next to the soccer field. Two kids - a boy around 4 y old and a girl around 6 went running towards the playground where we were heading.

Their mom, father and the oldest brother (probably around 10 y old) went to the soccer field. I recognized the father and the sun. I had seen them already training at this playground, mostly doing different obstacle courses. Every time I saw the father and the son in the past, I had an unpleasant feeling. They were not having fun together. The father seemed to be constantly pushing the sun to work harder. There were no smiles on their faces. I remember I saw one time the boy running with a small parachute attached to his back - it was clearly meant to slow the runner down. "What a way to build strength," I thought. "Is it really necessary for a boy this age?" Those observations fit my stereotype of a parent who pushes the child to work hard. No fun, just hard work, and you are never enough. I pushed these ideas away - there was no evidence that something bad was really happening.

Fast-forward to the September morning when I saw the whole family. While Sky was playing in the playground with the two younger kids, the father, the mom and the older boy unpacked the equipment. I looked at the father's gestures and facial expression. He seemed angry, although I did not hear any shouting. He threw some pieces of equipment on the ground in a way that seemed angry. The boy was rushing to unpack other equipment. The father was saying something to him and his wife, and it looked like he was very angry about something.

I felt incredibly sad. All of that looked not only as a parent telling his son the he is not enough. It was also possibly a domestic violence (emotional one) situation). I know that I did not feel any anger, I was just very disturbed and sad. I made an impulsive decision. I decided that if the mom gets closer to me, I will tell something to her. I did not have a clear plan.

As her kids were playing at the playground where I was, she did come closer to us are some point. I stepped forward. We were a few feet apart, the mashed fence of the soccer field between us. I said: "I am sorry, how are you doing?" She said: "Why?" I said: "Your husband seems to be very angry." She said: "You should mind your own business." I said: "I am sorry, I will."

Soon after that, they left. I do not think it was because of what I said. Most likely, the husband was very unhappy about something, possibly about his son's performance. The husband went to the car, the older son went behind him, and the wife was left to care the heave bags with the training equipment. The husband did not carry anything, as far as I could see.

Or, probably anything besides the weight of his own trauma. Because, I was almost certain, for him to be acting this way with his wife and kids, something must have happened to him. Somebody hammered in his own head that he was not enough, and now he was repeating the cycle.

Children who grow up in situations of physical, emotional, sexual abuse can become abusers in the future. Not everybody who was abused will become an abuser (this is a harmful stereotype). But almost every abuser was likely abused themselves in the past. In 2012, there was an public awareness campaign titled "Bedroom Circle, Livingroom Circle, Kitchen Circle" was published in Mexico. You can see one of the images below. It illustrates the cycle of emotional abuse. The other two images (for sexual and physical abuse) can be found here. TRIGGER WARNING: Before you click the link or scroll down this page to see the image, you should know that these images can be triggering for people who have experienced or are experiencing abuse.

"As human beings we belong to an extremely resilient species. Since time immemorial we have rebounded from our relentless wars, countless disasters (both natural and man-made), and the violence and betrayal in our own lives. But traumatic experiences do leave traces, whether on a large scale (on our histories and cultures) or close to home, on our families, with dark secrets being imperceptibly passed down through generations. They also leave traces on our minds and emotions, on our capacity for joy and intimacy, and even on our biology and immune systems." He continues: "Trauma affects not only those who are directly exposed to it, but also those around them."
( "The Body Keeps the Score").

Empathy towards a person caught in the cycle of violence. It is very hard if feel very angry about their actions. Story about the Vietnam veteran who committed atrocities after witnessing his team and his best friend being killed in front of him.

This is also connected to the questions about violence in the human nature.

Generational trauma - “family curse”?
Armie Hammer

About this project: Start page

Picture
Picture
  • About
  • Books
    • Media is us >
      • Principles of communication
      • Micro- and macropower
      • ACE model
      • Description of chapters
      • When conflicts get out of control
    • Hypertexts >
      • Me, looking for meaning >
        • A >
          • Anxiety
          • Am I strong or am I weak?
        • B >
          • Binaries
          • Both sides
          • D >
            • Depression
            • Do children ask themselves about the purpose of life?
            • Doing the right thing
        • E >
          • C >
            • Can I give myself credit for being empathetic?
            • Choice
            • Circumstances
            • Cognitive biases
            • Common sense
            • Communication
            • Content and form of this book
            • Coronavirus and me
            • Culture
            • Cycle of violence
          • Emotional pain
          • Empathy
          • Empathy as a matter of self-preservation
          • Everybody has their struggles
          • Everybody is connected
          • Explain/excuse conflation
        • F >
          • Feelings and emotions
          • Forgetting about your purpose
          • Free will
        • G >
          • Good vs. evil
        • H >
          • How much do we understand each other?
          • Human brain
          • Human nature
          • Human needs
          • Human thinking
          • Human thinking is nonlinear
          • Hypertext books
        • I >
          • I am an optimist
          • Ideas
          • "I'll never understand!"
          • Individual meanings vs. shared meanings
          • Inner compass
          • Interpretation
          • "It is what it is"
        • J
        • K >
          • Knowing your true purpose
          • Knowledge
        • L >
          • Language
          • List of completed pages
          • Literal vs. nonliteral communication
        • M >
          • Make Sense
          • May I meet this, too, with kindness
          • Meaning as importance
          • Mean and stupid
          • Meaning
          • Meaningless
          • Meaning wars
          • Meaning of life
          • Meaning communities
          • Meanings perceived by animals
          • Meaning-seeking vs. meaning-making
          • Media
          • (Mis)understanding each other's needs
          • My quest for meaning
        • N >
          • Norms
        • O >
          • Objectification
          • On being a scholar
          • On being a writer
          • On being right
        • P >
          • Paradox
          • Parenting
          • Privilege
          • Polarization
          • Postmodern worldview
          • Postmodern philosophy
          • Power
          • Power to see things in a certain way
          • Problem/solution binary
        • Q
        • R >
          • Reality
          • Rhizome in philosophy
        • S >
          • Science, religion and art
          • Self-awareness and empathy of higher order
          • Self-awareness
          • Self-empathy
          • Subjectivity and objectivity
          • Suggested citation format
          • Synesthesia
        • T >
          • "The Death of the Author"
          • The importance of having a purpose
          • Truth
        • U >
          • Understanding ourselves
          • Us and them
        • V >
          • Verbal vs. nonverbal communication
          • Violence in the human nature
        • W >
          • What does it mean to "understand"?
          • What is a text?
          • What we can learn about ourselves from media
          • What is "natural"?
          • What's the point?
          • What will this project become?
          • We hurt others when we are in pain
          • Where do meanings come from?
          • Why am I trying to stay sane?
          • Why do people hurt each other?
          • Why is language so unhelpful?
          • Why do everyday objects make sense?
          • Why do misunderstandings happen?
        • X
        • Y
        • Z
      • Power of meanings // Meanings of power
      • It's not about "them"
  • Editing
    • Me as your editor
    • How I will help you
    • Pricing
    • Privacy policy
  • Blog
  • Workshops
    • Five (easy) steps to become media literate
    • Surviving the polarization vortex
    • Understanding yourself
    • Not enough
  • Learn more
    • Bio
    • Talks and interviews
    • Poems >
      • Stranger
      • Lonely heart
      • Fairy tales
      • Dreams and nightmares
      • Puzzles
      • Moon
      • Seasons
      • Muse
      • Art
      • Sketches
      • Nonsense
    • Educational materials
  • Contact me