Elizaveta Friesem
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          • Suggested citation format
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          • The importance of having a purpose
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WHY AM I TRYING TO STAY SANE? (Update)

4/13/2022

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Picture
*This is an updated entry from my hypertext book Me, Looking for Meaning.

To be honest, I am not really losing my sanity. Many people have been dealing with actual mental health problems, but not me. I decided to keep this wording, because it will allow me to discuss (elsewhere) that human communication is often nonliteral. At the same time, I acknowledge that somebody with an actual mental health condition may be upset to see words like "crazy" used for emphasis.

When people ask me how I am doing, my response is often "ok, thanks", and it is not a lie. Being an optimist, I prefer to focus on the fact that I am surviving and often even thriving. I do not like complaining; talking about things that go well helps me feel stronger. But my life is not without its share of struggles. It is important to address the most prominent of them here, as they affect my thinking and writing. These challenges change over time, and the current page will be sometimes updated accordingly.

I started this book in February 2021, almost a year after coronavirus had been pronounced a pandemic. Neither me or anybody in my immediate family have been seriously ill. Technically, my main needs are met: I have food, I am safe, I am with my family, and I even have some time for self-actualization (that is, for writing). Yet, things are not always easy. ​Plenty has been said about the difficulties experienced during the pandemic by parents of small children (or any children, for that matter). In the beginning of 2020, our sons Robin and Sky were 3,5 and 1,5 years old respectively. Sleep was still a big issue. All daycares closed in March 2020, so I did not have much time to relax for a while, both during the day and at night. Things got a bit better that fall, when we started inviting babysitters. However, I have been affected by sleep-deprivation until very recently, as Sky had problems sleeping at night till spring 2022.

Same as most other people, I do not like being stuck at home without an opportunity to spend time with friends or to change a scenery. In the winter 2021, the pandemic was in its second round (the delta variant). Between the kids and coronavirus, it was difficult to engage in any "normal" activities: going to a restaurant or a museum, shopping, etc. On top of that, I missed my mom. She lives in Russia and used to spend time with us 1-2 times a year. Her last visit was in November 2019. In February 2021, I was also in the middle of a major career change filled with uncertainty. I decided to leave academia, but did not know yet what to do with my life.

An identity crisis triggered by the career change overlapped with a more positive development: my first print book Media Is Us was being prepared for a publication date in the summer 2021. I was leaving academia, but I wanted to continue my writing and research. This was the first time I started calling myself a writer - a writer and a scholar, to be precise. Working on a hypertext book came to me as a "crazy" idea, but it made a lot of sense at the time when I wanted to explore my thoughts in a space unconstrained by standards of academic establishment.

I am working on this update six weeks after Russia invaded Ukraine. Same as with coronavirus, me and my immediate family in the United States have not suffered from this crisis. However, the war has affected me on a very personal level. I identify myself as Russian, but I have relatives in Ukraine. I am horrified by Russia's actions, embarrassed by atrocities committed by the country where I was born. On top of that, I am saddened to acknowledge that my mother has been affected by Russian propaganda. On bad days, I dwell on the fact that I cannot talk to her about the war, and that I do not even know when I will see her again. On good (or better) days, I use this new crisis as an inspiration for thinking about empathy, communication and power.

I am a lucky and privileged person. I know that many people have had it much worse than me. To tell you the truth, I feel somewhat guilty describing my challenges. This page reflects my attempts to find a balance between acknowledging that things are not always easy for me and being grateful for what I have.
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    I mostly use this blog to share new or updated entries of my hypertext projects. If you see several versions of the same entry published over time, know that the latest version is the most updated.
  • About
  • Books
    • Media is us >
      • Principles of communication
      • Micro- and macropower
      • ACE model
      • Description of chapters
      • When conflicts get out of control
    • Hypertexts >
      • Me, looking for meaning >
        • A >
          • Anxiety
          • Am I strong or am I weak?
        • B >
          • Binaries
          • Both sides
        • C >
          • Can I give myself credit for being empathetic?
          • Choice
          • Circumstances
          • Cognitive biases
          • Common sense
          • Communication
          • Content and form of this book
          • Coronavirus and me
          • Culture
          • Cycle of violence
        • D >
          • Depression
          • Do children ask themselves about the purpose of life?
          • Doing the right thing
        • E >
          • Emotional pain
          • Empathy
          • Empathy as a matter of self-preservation
          • Everybody has their struggles
          • Everybody is connected
          • Explain/excuse conflation
        • F >
          • Feelings and emotions
          • Forgetting about your purpose
          • Free will
        • G >
          • Good vs. Bad
        • H >
          • How much do we understand each other?
          • Human brain
          • Human nature
          • Human needs
          • Human thinking
          • Human thinking is nonlinear
          • Hypertext books
        • I >
          • I am an optimist
          • Ideas
          • "I'll never understand!"
          • Individual meanings vs. shared meanings
          • Inner compass
          • Interpretation
          • "It is what it is"
        • J
        • K >
          • Knowing your true purpose
          • Knowledge
        • L >
          • Language
          • List of completed pages
          • Literal vs. nonliteral communication
        • M >
          • Make Sense
          • May I meet this, too, with kindness
          • Meaning as importance
          • Mean and stupid
          • Meaning
          • Meaningless
          • Meaning wars
          • Meaning of life
          • Meaning communities
          • Meanings perceived by animals
          • Meaning-seeking vs. meaning-making
          • Media
          • (Mis)understanding each other's needs
          • My quest for meaning
        • N >
          • Norms
        • O >
          • Objectification
          • On being a scholar
          • On being a writer
          • On being right
        • P >
          • Paradox
          • Parenting
          • Privilege
          • Polarization
          • Postmodern worldview
          • Postmodern philosophy
          • Power
          • Power to see things in a certain way
          • Problem/solution binary
        • Q
        • R >
          • Reality
          • Rhizome in philosophy
        • S >
          • Science, religion and art
          • Self-awareness and empathy of higher order
          • Self-awareness
          • Self-empathy
          • Subjectivity and objectivity
          • Suggested citation format
          • Synesthesia
        • T >
          • "The Death of the Author"
          • The importance of having a purpose
          • Truth
        • U >
          • Understanding ourselves
          • Us and them
        • V >
          • Verbal vs. nonverbal communication
          • Violence in the human nature
        • W >
          • What does it mean to "understand"?
          • What is a text?
          • What we can learn about ourselves from media
          • What is "natural"?
          • What's the point?
          • What will this project become?
          • We hurt others when we are in pain
          • Where do meanings come from?
          • Why am I trying to stay sane?
          • Why do people hurt each other?
          • Why is language so unhelpful?
          • Why do everyday objects make sense?
          • Why do misunderstandings happen?
        • X
        • Y
        • Z
      • Power of meanings // Meanings of power
      • It's not about "them"
  • Editing
    • Me as your editor
    • How I will help you
    • Pricing
    • Privacy policy
  • Blog
  • Workshops
    • Five (easy) steps to become media literate
    • Surviving the polarization vortex
    • Understanding yourself
    • Not enough
  • Learn more
    • Bio
    • Talks and interviews
    • Essays
    • Poems >
      • Stranger
      • Lonely heart
      • Fairy tales
      • Dreams and nightmares
      • Puzzles
      • Moon
      • Seasons
      • Muse
      • Art
      • Sketches
      • Nonsense
    • Educational materials
  • Contact me